ehh

people think I'm confident. I disagree. I spent the last two hours comparing myself to everyone on my newsfeed and it's the weirdest thing. it's not some glaring flaws bothering me but just a general sense of inadequacy. I don't feel dumb or ugly or fat or wrong. just weird, excluded, outside and poor. I feel like I have missed a lot in life thanks to lack of disposable income and social graces. I can never quite mesh with most people and it ruins everything. I wish I could isolate and fix the fucking problem.

rxxy

 you stand like a model
sharp and clean
a different kind of grace
uncertain in its shape
visceral in its clarity
edges well defined
angles melting into curves
strength hidden in the softness
fingers dance, feet tap
energy and emotion
idling
you are a wonder of perpetual motion
hair glides across skin
and stays
caught on the edges of you

Bad News

I really, really suck at resolutions. Obviously. I'm a starter, not a finisher. But that's what this is about, practicing finishing. This time, I have a real good, real personal excuse. I've been so distracted, and in so much pain. This situation has forced me to really examine my core values, and I'm glad to say I stayed intact. But as I came back up from under this burden, I realized that this is exactly what happens ever time I try to make some kind of change or routine for myself. If I start to work out, if I start to attack my hoard of belongings, if I start to take care of myself even when it doesn't seem important, or when I don't feel like it, things are beautiful for a while. I drink my water, take my meds, and eat my veggies and I feel great. But as soon as something happens to  challenge this new stability or pattern, I panic. I retreat. I stop. I let it go, and watch my quality of life slip away. I'm tired of doing that. I'm not going to stop this time. I deserve to have a life that I can draw satisfaction from. I can do this.

The Day After

I swear, I need to cut out wine. I love wine. Tangy, sweet, and it has a bite! Unfortunately, wine does not love me. I had two glasses (or thereabouts, really one very large glass haha), with my lucky New Year's meal, and when I woke up I couldn't even eat my leftovers! No thank you, ma'am.

The Best Compliment I Ever Got

The other night, I had some friends over. More accurately, I had a friend, and her friend over. We got to talking about some serious ishh as frequently happens, and while her permission, I gave my friend's friend my two cents. I went on for a bit, and wrapped up, feeling kinda awkward.
Everyone had gotten really quiet, and was watching me. I was convinced I'd said something really stupid, but she just thanked me, and told me that I was 'wise'. Now, I'm not sure I'd agree, but I like that idea.
People spend a lot of time wanting to be beautiful, to be thin, wanting to be smart. I'd like to be those three things, but not like I'd like to be wise. As a little homeschooled kid, in a bad situation, I spent a lot of time reading, picking out people from my books that I wanted to be. I wanted to be able to help people, to be respected, and to have a pinch of intelligence. I wanted to be someone's Obi Wan Kenobi, I thought that was what wisdom meant. I read my Bible, and I prayed to be wise, like Solomon.
Ten years later, I may not be quite as faithful, but I still want to be wise. I've led an interesting life, (and I'm only 22!), and I've seen a lot of pain. I've always worked with people, and it's given me opportunities to learn like no other, on top of my personal experiences. I try to help, I try to do and say the right things, and I try to always help someone in need. I've been hurt, and I know what it's like,  I never want that for anyone. I've been raped, people have tried to seriously endanger my life, I've lost friends and family. I've been in unhealthy relationships, dealt with serious health issues, and fought for my own lost causes. I have watched someone die, as their identity slowly slipped away from them, lost to the ravages of illness.
 And now, a sad girl in my living room thinks I'm wise. All I want is to prove her right.

Depression

Titles and beginnings aren't really my thing. Neither are focus, and theme. I'm kinda directionless.
 But I know where a lot of that comes from, you see. It's because I don't know what I want, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what's wrong, but some days, some days it overwhelms. People think of depression, and they think of sadness. They think of dead dogs, lost friends, and sorrow.
Those things may be depressing, but they don't really describe depression. Sadness can be in your bones, in your throat, in your stomach. It can kill your hair, your appetite, and your sleep schedule. Depression can be that small voice every moment, telling you that you are a failure. And all you're trying to do is eat some goddamn nachos.
 It's the stupidest thing, really. The most irrational, overbearing, exhausting sadness. It's not the same as grief, there's no focus, no meaning, and it's not the same as the sadness you find watching a sad movie, or simply having a bad day. It's like sandbags dragging you down while you struggle to keep your head over the water. And all the while, others watch you drown, and can't see the water.
I'm not drowning now, but I have. I lost over a year of my life to depression. I still fight it everyday. I'm finding the order, the pattern, the substance to my life. But it's still a new beginning. Two years of Day One. Maybe this year, I'll make it out.

The New Year

So, clearly, I'm not much good at resolutions. I'll keep trying though. My holidays were cramped and busy, and exhausting for familiar reasons. I love my family, but going home is like a trip through time, and I don't want it. I have a very difficult, tense relationship with my family, and there's not a lot I can do around some members but conform to some pretty specific expectations. Thankfully, I took the manfriend, and it wasn't quite so bad. Between me, him and the dog, we got a lot of junk to take home. 5 Christmases. 5! I was so tired, and I've been riding that wave since. I spent last night with some friends, but I'd rather have napped, haha. I'm turning into such a quiet person, socially, but I like it. This year, my resolutions are personal. I've spent years trying to fight for my health, mental and physical, and that fight continues. But I'm looking to expand, I want to do something to better my life in an immediate way, and that's why I need to keep writing. That's why I will.