Depression

Titles and beginnings aren't really my thing. Neither are focus, and theme. I'm kinda directionless.
 But I know where a lot of that comes from, you see. It's because I don't know what I want, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what's wrong, but some days, some days it overwhelms. People think of depression, and they think of sadness. They think of dead dogs, lost friends, and sorrow.
Those things may be depressing, but they don't really describe depression. Sadness can be in your bones, in your throat, in your stomach. It can kill your hair, your appetite, and your sleep schedule. Depression can be that small voice every moment, telling you that you are a failure. And all you're trying to do is eat some goddamn nachos.
 It's the stupidest thing, really. The most irrational, overbearing, exhausting sadness. It's not the same as grief, there's no focus, no meaning, and it's not the same as the sadness you find watching a sad movie, or simply having a bad day. It's like sandbags dragging you down while you struggle to keep your head over the water. And all the while, others watch you drown, and can't see the water.
I'm not drowning now, but I have. I lost over a year of my life to depression. I still fight it everyday. I'm finding the order, the pattern, the substance to my life. But it's still a new beginning. Two years of Day One. Maybe this year, I'll make it out.